Stand together  How to be a better ally to women colleagues

Stand togetherbei How to be a better ally to women colleaguesStand together How to be a better ally to women colleaguesIn sitting down to research this piece, it wasnt lost on us that the Career Contessa office is unlike any other when it comes to advocating for women.At the moment, were a 100% woman team, run by a woman CEO, and writing articles and throwing events specifically to help other women. And were doing it in very close quarters- operating out of an open office spacewhere we punt questions back and forth all day, run most of our meetings while stretched out on a millennial pink couch while also occasionally deep diving into a black hole you might know as videos of cats climbing into La Croix boxes.So yeah, we like each other and we respect each others work. But its always a learning curve, especially inan entrepreneurial startup environment. Sometimes the fear of hurting feelings means that we avoid giving feedback openly- or at least, awkwardly couch it in a few circular, stumbling statements. And someones bad day can translate into snapping at a coworker in a meeting, causing unfair embarrassment.In the spirit of Galentines Day, weve pulled together five cardinal rules to help you better advocate for the women around you. Because even this team experiences the occasional misfire. We may be the better sex, but were still only human.RULE 1 I WILL POINT OUT SEXISM, NO MATTER HOW INGRAINED OR SEEMINGLY BENIGNThe only way we can endsexism at workis to train ourselves to recognize the most latent forms- and commit to pointing them out. Have you ever had a male coworker who speaks to you in a different voice than when he talks to other men? Or maybe one who calls other male coworkers by their last names, but then calls you by your first? These are the sorts of politics at play that we often fail to call out in part because theyre just confusing.Research shows that women are often described in communal terms, as in friendly, warm, and helpful. Men instead get descriptors like intelligent, driven, or determined. The problem with this is that it actually costs women opportunities (LeanIn.org calls thisthe likeability penalty). According to a piece by David M. Meyer in theHarvard Business Review, we often overlook this form of sexism because its easier to miss. Says Meyer, PsychologistsPeter Glick and Susan Fiskerefer to it as benevolent sexism - a chivalrous attitude that suggests women are weak and need mens protection, in contrast to hostile sexism (an antagonistic attitude toward women and a desire to control or dominate them)This kind of paternalism suggests that women need to be taken care of by men, and men who endorse this form of benevolent sexism are mora likely to accept the mistreatment and harassment of women at work.Take note of instances where men talk about women at your office in these ways, then point them out. Make sure that you dont use language that downplays a womans professionalism. Heres the mantra HBR suggests men use (and its a good guide for all of us to watch for as well) I will focus on competence, not warmth. I will describe her as self-reliant, not needing my protection. I will focus on her brain, not on her physical appearance. I will enhance her status with titles, not use informal language that diminishes her standing.RULE 2 I WILL STOP MEN FROM INTERRUPTING AND STOP INTERRUPTING OTHER WOMENTake a minute to process this gem a linguistics PhD who now works in tech, took notes of every interruption in 314 work meetings at her company. The results are as follows 60% of the interruptions were made by men. The men were also three times more likely to interrupt women than other men.Thats bad right? Well, ladies, this actually madeus feel worse of the 102 times women interrupted others in meetings, they interrupted other women 89 times. In other words, 87% of the time women interrupted someone, they were cutting off each other.Make a conscious effort to let every woman say her piece in meetings. If a man interrupts her, circle the conversation back to what she was saying, specifically calling it out by saying something like Katie, will you finish what you were saying before we move on? Or, if someone has run away with an idea that she suggested, go with This all sounds great, thanks again Katie for coming up with this. But most of all stop yourself from interrupting women, too. No more self-perpetuation of the problem.RULE 3 I WILL VOCALIZE AND CELEBRATE OTHER WOMENS SUCCESSESStudies showthat in mixed gender teams, men tend to receive more credit for any successes than any women on the team. So thats a very big problem. One way to offset this is to intentionally call out other womens good work. If youre a manager, make an effort to publicly point out their successes. If youre not, youre still perfectly capable of saying, I just wanted to say how incredible Megan has been on this project. Her design work has completely changed the game for us. And yes, you need to say all this in front of other colleagues- private thank yous arent enough.RULE 4 I WILL OFFSET THE FEEDBACK GAPThere are also oh a dozen or more studies that show that men receive better feedback throughout their careers. The biggest one is thatwomen receive only vague information in performance reviews,whereas men get clear pointers on what they can improve or change. So while we wait for that to change, we can give better feedback to the women around us- even if its informal.Talk to your female coworkers and see if theyd be interested in having a performance review coffee where you all agree to talk openly about how you feel each of you is doing at work, as well as give some suggestions for ways to improve. This can sound scary,especiallyfor those of us who fear confrontation, but it gets easier every time you do it. Youre there to help each other- it cant get much better than that.RULE 5 I WILL FORGO THE WATERCOOLER CHATWork looks very different for us than it did for our moth ers. Often our work weeks are punctuated with coworker happy hours- and we follow our bosses on Instagram. That means that the personal and professional lines get blurry at times, and it can feel natural to talk smack about an annoying coworker to your work wife. But thats toes a dangerous line- after all, why arent you just talking toherabout it? Lifes too short to have coworker drama, but this goes a step beyond that- being a true workplace ally means you need to dedicate yourself to working well witheverywoman in your office.You dont have to love her, but you do have to work with her. And working well with her can make a huge difference - for all of us.This article first appeared on Career Contessa.